Kindness and Firmness Come to Santa Cruz
By Suki Wessling

In case you’re wondering, Jane Nelson loves to be a grandma.

Yes, even the author of the wildly successful Positive Discipline parenting books admits that it’s easier when she’s not responsible for the children’s upbringing. “I love it that I can be present so I can spend time with them and enjoy it and leave the hassles to their parents!” she says.

As the mother of seven children, Nelson reached the end of her tether trying to parent the old-fashioned way. She developed Positive Discipline by joining her academic knowledge with what she learned on the front lines of parenting.

Her first book, Positive Discipline, has been revised and updated as her ideas evolved, but at its core is her belief that there must be mutual respect in the parent-child relationship. Instead of thinking of themselves as rule-makers and enforcers, parents should think of themselves as partners with their children, raising them to be self-sufficient and emotionally healthy adults.

Her method has spawned a cottage industry of Positive Discipline books for all ages and situations. Along with parents she counts teachers as fans of her non-punitive discipline.

Though she speaks with conviction about her methods, Nelson points out that growth is a necessary part of life even as we age. “There are some things in the first book that I’m embarrassed are there,” she says.

Specifically, though this may shock many Positive Discipline veterans, she has given up on logical consequences. “The biggest reason for that is that most parents try to disguise a punishment as a logical consequence,” she explains. “Teachers were doing class meetings and looking for logical consequences but then when they gave up logical consequences they couldn’t believe how much difference it made.”

Her retooled message is that parents need to start with love. “Kindness is important in order to show respect for the child,” she writes on her website. “Firmness is important in order to show respect for ourselves and for the needs of the situation.”

“Make sure that you make that connection with love, before you make the correction,” she says. Then she asks parents and teachers to focus on solutions instead of consequences. Ask the children to help come up with a solution to the problem, and they will feel empowered rather than overpowered.

Another surprising part of her advice will dismay teachers and parents alike who rely on heaping praise on their children in order to get cooperation. “Rewards and praise are not effective,” she says. “It turns kids into approval junkies – they feel like they have to get approval from you as the most important person their life. The scary thing about that is that they become teenagers and they want to get approval from their peer group.”

Nelson says she has learned from her years of teaching to come to terms with reaching only the receptive. “I don’t have to be right and I don’t have to convince everybody to do it my way,” she explains. “I believe firmly in these methods.”

To parents who are tempted to recommend her books to family or friends, she has a warning not to tell them they need it. “I always tell people if they want to give the book as a gift, they should say this has helped me so much, so I’d like to give it to you.”

And even if you’re an expert, you can easily be reminded how little some people appreciate unsolicited advice. “I was at Legoland the other day and this girl was having a temper tantrum, she was six years and old and she was screaming because she didn’t want to go.” Nelson offered the mother help and the mother angrily rejected her.

“I should learn to mind my own business!” says the woman who has made a career of offering parenting advice. “She must have thought I was a weirdo. You just have to let people be where they are.”


Suki Wessling is a local writer and the mother of two children who need all the positive discipline they can get.