A Modern Approach to a Traditional Rite of Passage

Chadeish Yameinu Brings Jewish Traditions into the 21st Century

By Suki Wessling

Local LMFT Debra Sloss knew she had some new challenges as her son, Rowan, oldest of three boys, approached puberty. “A big change was happening in his life. The kids lose that incredible confidence they have when they’re younger. They’re in an ocean, not sure who they are.”

As a modern American parent, Sloss found herself in a common quandary: How do we offer our children a way to celebrate and feel meaning in their lives as they grow into their teenage years? Though raised Jewish, Sloss had left religious training without becoming a bat mitzvah, and her husband came from a secular Jewish family. Somehow they wanted to offer their sons a sense of who they were. “He’s part of this long history of people who have survived great adversity and knowing that’s part of him he should at least have a positive association with it,” she said.

Jewish families traditionally put their children through a rigorous educational process that culminates in becoming b'nai mitzvah at age thirteen. Bar or bat mitzvah (b'nai is the plural form) literally means “one to whom the commandments apply,” and recognizes the age at which a Jewish child accepts responsibility for his or her actions.

Going to traditional temple school didn’t work out for Rowan. “I was more interested in sports at that point,” he admits. Without knowing what they would do next, Sloss had a chance meeting that put their family on a whole new course.

Rabbi Eli Cohen, affectionately called Reb Eli by his chavurah (community or fellowship), Chadeish Yameinu (www.chadeishyameinu.org), started his professional life as a lawyer, working as a public defender in Santa Cruz. Keeping connected with his Jewish roots, he tutored adults in Hebrew and served as a student rabbi for many years before getting his smicha (rabbinic ordination) in 2005. Rabbi Cohen describes the connection between his professions as “trying to live a life of helping people do the right thing.”

He was attracted to the Jewish Renewal movement as a way to reconnect Jewish beliefs with the modern world. One of the major functions of Chadeish Yameinu is education and preparation for b'nai mitzvah. Rabbi Cohen tries to go to the heart of what Jewish education means to the child. “In the wisdom of the ancient rabbis, there are three things: mind, heart, and action,” he explains. “Torah: mind, worship: heart, kindness: action.”

He applies these principles to education in a flexible way, encouraging each student to draw on his or her own interests and abilities. He stresses the tikkun olam (making the world a better place) aspect of the Jewish Renewal movement by helping the students choose a mitzvah (charity) project that suits their interests. He lists off a few he can remember: “Visiting elders, working at a horse sanctuary, helping out the library when they were short funded, playing piano, juggling, entertaining at an assisted living facility. The ways of helping out in the world are endless.”

After hearing Rabbi Cohen speak, Debra Sloss realized that she needed to get Rowan in for a meeting with him. “My son showed up with his arms crossed in front of his chest – 'I’m not talking, I’m not giving anything up.'” By the end of the meeting, Rowan was willing to try again.

“I saw remarkable changes in him, through the process and afterwards,” remembers Sloss. “He learned you could achieve hard things, with practice and going at it regularly and also seeking support when you need it you can get to places where you thought were out of reach. He gained tremendous confidence. He emerged with a lot of leadership.”

A plus for Sloss's sons and for many of the families involved in Chadeish Yameinu is that there is an implicit recognition that the world has changed and traditional religion may not speak to them.

“Our approach is that the texts are not static, they’re not carved in stone,” explains Rabbi Cohen. “They’re found in how we live our lives. There’s a blessing before and after reading the Torah, which blesses God for having given us the Torah and for giving us the Torah. One notices that it’s in present and past tense. It becomes a vehicle for our own present revelation.”

He acknowledges that the chavurah is a home for people who have trouble with traditional approaches or who have families with mixed religious backgrounds. “Today all Jews are on some level Jews by choice. You have to work at keeping your connection and identity when you’re in a culture where you aren’t the majority. We’ve gotten so much from the people who come in from other perspectives and other traditions.”

In thinking about how others can help their teenagers through these difficult years, Rabbi Cohen suggests helping them see themselves in a larger context. “Connecting with something that transcends time and culture, part of a bigger picture. Not all kids are going to believe in God. We find our sense of how the divine manifests itself in the world.”

Rabbi Cohen sees our mission in raising our children to adulthood in clear terms: “To help them see themselves as part of something greater that transcends their life, and yet their own individual lives are essential too. Each of us is an essential part of the divine.”

Suki Wessling is a local writer and the mother of two children.